


The Inane Adventures of Hazelnut Latte

by Irrepressable



Category: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Genre: Disrespect of religious figures, F/F, F/M, Idiots in Love, LGBTQ Themes, Snark by the author, Unresolved Romantic Tension, Unresolved Sexual Tension, gratuitous innuendo
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-11
Updated: 2018-11-13
Packaged: 2019-08-22 05:24:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,932
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16591640
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Irrepressable/pseuds/Irrepressable
Summary: It had been a year since Hazelnut Latte and her younger sister/sort-of-adopted-daughter, Cocoa Jinx, came to Ponyville. She came for a fresh start and a good, wholesome place to raise her sister, but things get complicated. Balancing single parenthood and a job wasn't always easy, but things got more complicated when she also has to deal with a fire and brimstone lunatic, six ponies with various issues, bizarre business regulations, and every bit of strangeness that Ponyville can throw at her. To top that, she has to deal with everypony else's relationship problems and is so busy that she can barely handle her own. Fortunately, they don't always need her help and sometimes manage to find their way on their own.





	1. Chapter 1: Single Parenthood (Sort Of)

**Author's Note:**

> Author's Note:  
> A bit of a warning: Contains gratuitous innuendo, disrespect of religious figures, and strong pro-science views

　

"WAKE UP, HAZEL!"

　

Before Hazelnut Latte could identify the voice, something jumped on her, waking her up and knocking the wind out of her at the same time. She flailed, got tangled in her sheets, and fell out of bed. Rubbing the sleep out of her eyes, the mare looked up to see the blurry form of a young unicorn filly on her bed. The filly had a creamy mint-green coat, a butter-hued yellow mane, and emerald green eyes. Hazelnut Latte began to untangle herself from her sheets as she said, "I told you not to wake me up like that, Cocoa Jinx."

　

Cocoa Jinx cocked her head slightly before looking at the older mare with a sheepish expression. "Sorry, Hazel. The alarm clock went off and you threw it against the wall and broke it again."

　

"The alarm clo-" Hazelnut Latte's eyes widened. "Oh, crap! What time is it? I have to get you to school! Then I have to get to work!"

　

Cocoa Jinx giggled. "Hazel, it's Saturday, remember? I can go to work with you on Saturday!"

　

Hazelnut Latte grinned sheepishly and said, "Right. As your legal guardian/borderline-dysfunctional parental figure, I have to make sure that you stay out of trouble today. It's a good thing that Matcha Bliss understands."

　

"All right!" Cocoa Jinx said happily. "Let's make tea! I've never made tea before. Do you think I could get a Cutie Mark in tea-making?"

　

Hazelnut Latte couldn't help but smile a little. For all of her efforts, Cocoa Jinx's flank remained blank. The poor filly looked forward to getting her Cutie Mark so much. These things took time, of course. Most of the ten-year-olds in Equestria were starting to get their Cutie Marks and most had gotten them by eleven. Hazelnut Latte herself had been a late bloomer. She hadn't gotten her own Cutie Mark until she was twelve, almost thirteen. Adolescence had been awkward. Bad haircuts, class differences at Lacy Ruffles' School For Fillies, braces, coming to terms with the fact that her special talent was hot beverages and that there was a 90% chance that she would become a barista, finding glasses that didn't make her look like a complete geek, and not to mention the whole matter of figuring out her sexuality... all were just part of the teenage experience of Hazelnut Latte. Hazelnut latte's horn glowed with a blue aura as she brought her black-framed hipster glasses to her face. She could see everything much clearer now. Some ponies questioned why she didn't just get contact lenses like a few other ponies in town- _that's right, you're not fooling anypony, Rarity_. Hazelnut latte looked at Cocoa Jinx and asked, "Did you brush your teeth?"

　

Cocoa Jinx grinned broadly, revealing her clean, white teeth. "Minty fresh!" she exclaimed.

　

"Good." Hazelnut Latte nodded her approval. "That means I'll have to do the same."

　

Hazelnut Latte headed to the bathroom. Using her magic, she applied some toothpaste to her toothbrush and began brushing her teeth. As she brushed her teeth, she looked at herself in the mirror. Staring back at her was a unicorn mare with sapphire blue eyes, a caramel colored coat, and an extremely curly, chocolate brown mane and tail. Once she was done brushing her teeth, she took some mouthwash, swished it around in her mouth, and spat it out. Then, she rinsed her toothbrush and placed it in the cup where it usually was. Next came taming her unruly mane into some semblance of order. It was time for the straightening iron. As she tended to her mane and tail, Hazelnut latte wished- not for the first time- that she had her mother's straight hair. Her mother had been a unicorn from Prance and her father was an earth pony from Jamaneca. He was the one Hazelnut Latte got her curls from. With the exception of one sister, all of her siblings had straight hair. Some days, Hazelnut Latte loved her curls. Other days, she hated them. They could certainly be a nuisance sometimes because there was just so much of them. The unicorn mare sighed and turned her straightening iron off before setting it on a heat-protected surface. Then came a little spritz of something to keep her mane and tail straight and she was ready to go. She headed to the little kitchen in her two-bedroom apartment. When she arrived, she saw that Cocoa Jinx was already making pancakes, though the filly had to use a stool to reach the stove. Hazelnut Latte smiled and said, "I seel that my little Scion of Chaos is making breakfast."

　

"That's Avatar of Entropy to you!" Cocoa Jinx lightheartedly corrected her sister. "Besides, I wasn't the one who invented Mayhem Mocha to keep that Draconequus from deliberately causing trouble at your work."

　

"Anarchy Latte." Hazelnut Latte corrected. "Extra foam, two shots espresso, one drop of chaos extract. The taste changes every ten seconds, but it always tastes somewhat of coffee. Surprisingly popular off-menu item. Besides, it worked. Now he only comes in for coffee."

　

"What about the obvious unresolved romantic tension between him and-" Cocoa Jinx tried to ask before she noticed that the pancake needed turning. She flipped it and continued, "Anyway, the romantic tension between Discord and you-know-who is thicker than an overfrozen Frost Latte."

　

Hazelnut Latte waved a hoof dismissively. "You're imagining things, Cocoa Jinx. The two of them are friends- nothing more."

　

"But Hazel-" Cocoa Jinx tried to say, but she was interrupted by her guardian.

　

" _Nothing more_!" Hazelnut Latte said with a frown.

　

"Don't deny it." Cocoa Jinx huffed as she transferred a pancake to a plate. "You ship them, too."

　

"It's against regulations to ship customers." Hazelnut Latte explained. "I told you about the Great Explosion of '04."

　

The Great Explosion of '04 happened before Hazelnut Latte's time at Cuppa Joe's. Back in '04, a unicorn mare named Pink Button and a unicorn stallion named Purple Head were attracted to each other and employees at a Cuppa Joe's location in Detrot shipped them. The intensity of Purple Head and Pink Button's ultimate passion and the overwhelming power of the shipping combined to create a powerful explosion that leveled ten square blocks of downtown Detrot. At least a dozen ponies were seriously injured and Purple Head and Pink Button were arrested for engaging in, ahem, _adult activities_ in public.

　

Cocoa Jinx nodded as she put some more pancake batter on the skillet to make more pancakes. A few minutes later, the two of them each had a decently sized plate full of pancakes. Hazelnut Latte put both of her hooves together and bowed her head. "It's time to say grace."

　

"GRACE!" Cocoa Jinx shouted before shoveling a forkful of syrup-drenched pancake into her mouth.

　

Hazelnut Latte reached over to ruffle the filly's mane with her hoof and said, "That's my girl!"

　

"Hazel!" Cocoa Jinx protested, ducking the mare's hoof before returning to her pancakes.

　

The two of them ate in pleasant, comfortable silence for a while before Cocoa Jinx spoke up again. "Hazel?"

　

"What is it, Cocoa Jinx?" Hazelnut Latte asked.

　

It was then that Cocoa Jinx asked one of the questions that Hazelnut Latte had absolutely been dreading. "When is Dad coming back?"

　

Hazelnut Latte's stomach fell and suddenly she wasn't so hungry anymore. Why did it have to be this question? Why couldn't she be like a normal child and ask where foals came from? Oh, wait. She already knew. Hazelnut Latte had already had that conversation with her. The blue-eyed mare smiled at the younger unicorn and said, "He's just on vacation, Cocoa Jinx. I'm sure that it won't be long before he comes back."

　

The truth was that their father, Coconut Charm, probably wasn't ever coming back. After their mother, Sparkling Bubbles, had died, Coconut Charm decided that he didn't want to be a single father. Hazelnut Latte and her twin sister were twenty at the time, but her younger brother, Fizzy Pop, was thirteen and Cocoa Jinx was only four. He ran off to 'find himself' and left his minor children alone. By some miracle, Hazelnut Latte managed to get custody and legal guardianship over her younger siblings. The last time Hazelnut Latte had seen Coconut Charm, she was on vacation with the then-seven Cocoa Jinx after winning a two-week trip to Scoltland. Fizzy Pop was spending the summer with their maternal grandparents, _Grand-père_ Golden Bubbles and _Grand-mère_ Chardonnay in Prance.

　

It turned out that Coconut Charm had married a Scoltish mare named Oat Biscuit and they had an eighteen-month-old daughter named Coconut Macaroon. He told Hazelnut Latte to stop looking for him and 'just let him be happy'. She never told Cocoa Jinx about it, even when they got home. Fizzy Pop came home fairly fluent in Prench and both sad and relieved to be free of his grandparents. Hazelnut Latte hadn't told him, either. She did tell her twin sister because she couldn't keep a secret from her own twin. Thankfully, her twin hadn't told anyone. Neither Fizzy Pop nor Cocoa Jinx was any the wiser.

　

Whatever. She didn't need him. She had raised an awkward colt into a lightly less awkward stallion and was currently doing a decent job raising a spirited young filly. She was rocking the single parent game! Hazelnut Latte decided to change the subject. "These are good pancakes, kiddo."

　

"Thanks!" Cocoa Jinx beamed. "Dinky Doo taught me! I mean, they're not as good as her mom's pancakes. I don't think anyone else's are."

　

"Yep, that Ditzy Doo sure knows her way around the kitchen." Hazelnut Latte agreed. "I'm not sure I'd trust her around a gas range, though."

　

"Why do they call Miss Doo 'Derpy'?" Cocoa Jinx asked.

　

Hazelnut Latte shrugged. "From what I heard, it was a school nickname. Something to do with a substitute teacher with really bad handwriting. I didn't grow up around here, so I wouldn't know."

　

Cocoa Jinx nodded. "Ponyville is way different than San Franciscolt. The mares here are so far in the closet that they're finding presents from ten years ago."

　

"Cocoa Jinx!" Hazelnut Latte tried to admonish her younger sister, but failed to contain a laugh. She cleared her throat and explained, "Small towns can be..." She threw her front hooves into the air. "You know what? I give up. Yes, small towns can be backwards, but Ponyville does have its charms. It's not a bad place to live, even if Bookburner-"

　

"Reverend Bookbinder." Cocoa Jinx corrected.

　

"-Reverend Book _burner_ tries to keep the town 'pure' and annoy half the populace while he's at it." Hazelnut Latte said. "Need I remind you what happened when Paige Turner's bookstore featured Saucy Scarlet's best-selling memoir, _Confessions of a Drag Pony_?"

　

Cocoa Jinx frowned. "He made Paige cry."

　

"She still sold the book, though. It sold damn well, too!" Hazelnut Latte said with a smile. "Do you know why she didn't let Bookburner stop her?"

　

"Because he's a dumb fuddy-duddy who needs to get a fucking life?" Cocoa Jinx questioned.

　

"Cocoa Jinx!" Hazelnut Latte admonished. "What did I say to you about swearing?"

　

"That I can swear all I want when I'm twelve because I already know all the words." Cocoa Jinx sighed. "And that I can only swear at home and can't swear in public until I'm sixteen."

　

"Too fucking right." Hazelnut Latte nodded. "Anyway, let's finish breakfast real quick and if we make it in time, I'll show you how the espresso machine works."

　

oooooooooooooooooooooooooo

　

The bell at the door rang, signalling the arrival of the first customer. Hazelnut Latte, wearing her hat and apron uniform, smiled when the customer walked up to the counter. "Welcome to Cuppa Joe's!" she greeted. "What can I get you?"

　

The purple alicorn stared blarily at the brown mare. She had bags under her violet eyes and looked like she had been up all night, most likely reading. "I'll have a-" She paused to yawn. "a triple shot espresso and one of those poppy seed pastries that Morning Baker makes."

　

"Got it. Triple shot espresso and a poppy seed pastry." Hazelnut Latte replied. "Anything else?"

　

"No, that's it." Twilight Sparkle said, once again trying to cover a yawn.

　

"All right." Hazelnut Latte said. "Take a seat and I'll call your name when it's ready, miss..."

　

"Twilight Sparkle." the alicorn replied, not amused at the unicorn pretending not to know her name.

　

"Got it" Hazelnut Latte replied.

　

She watched Twilight sit down and got straight to work. The barista pony proved herself to be a master of her craft as she used the beautifully enameled machine to create a truly masterful triple shot espresso. She then retrieved a pastry, which she wrapped in paper and set on the counter next to the hot drink. "Your drink is ready!"

　

The cup had 'Twileet Sporkle' written on it. " _Twilight Sparkle_!" the alicorn groaned. "My name is Twilight Sparkle and you know it! Why do you keep getting ponies' names wrong? Oh, and how much do I owe you?"

　

"As per Cuppa Joe's regulations, I have to get at least one in three ponies' names wrong. Six bits for the coffee, four bits for the pastry." Hazelnut Latte replied. "Combine that with the going sales tax rate, that'll be eleven bits."

　

Twilight paid for her food and drink. She begrudgingly placed a few bits in the tip jar before picking her pastry and hot beverage up with her magic and heading over to a table to eat. As the sun rose over the horizon, the light shined through the window, hitting the alicorn directly in the face. The lavender mare brought her hooves up to shield her eyes from the light and let out a dramatic hiss, as if the sun was burning her. Cocoa Jinx, who was at another table doing her Prench homework, simply rolled her eyes.

　

oooooooooooooooooooooooo

　

It was 8:30 AM and things were a bit slow. Most of her business was on week days, when ponies needed their pick-me-up before work. Not all were like that, though. One of her regulars usually showed up on weekend mornings when it was a bit quieter. The butter-yellow pegasus peeked out from behind her light pink forelocks. In a soft, almost timid voice, she said, "Um, I'd, ah, like two Anarchy Lattes. If that's not too much trouble."

　

Hazelnut Latte smiled reassuringly and said, "It's never too much trouble for one of my favorite customers, Fluttershy."

　

Fluttershy offered the unicorn a shy smile as she waited for the drinks. Two shots espresso, extra foam, one drop of chaos extract, and done. Hazelnut Latte set the drinks on the counter. One was labeled 'Butterscotch' and the other was labeled 'Discode'. Yeah, she had seen the Draconequus lurking at a table in the shop. "Eight bits apiece?" Fluttershy questioned, a slight smile on her face at the unicorn's deliberate antics.

　

"Eight bits for the first one and the second one is on the house." Hazelnut Latte said with a grin. "You've been here every Saturday and every Sunday for the past six months. I figure you deserve it."

　

Fluttershy let out a soft 'eep' and looked away. She took eight bits out and, just to be fair, put eight bits in the tip jar. Using one hoof to carry the tray of hot beverages, the butter-colored pegasus made her way over to the table where Discord was sitting. She slid the Anarchy Latte over to her friend before sitting down to enjoy her own latte and the company of the reformed but still very chaotic Draconequus. "Good morning, Discord." Fluttershy said with a smile.

　

"Good morning to you too, Fluttershy." Discord replied with a dramatic wave of his hand. He then took a sip of the coffee.

　

"Twilight says you haven't been making too much trouble this week." the pegasus said. "Well, not the dangerous kind. I know that you wouldn't do that."

　

"Dangerous? _Moi_?" Discord put his clawed hand on his chest, looking thoroughly scandalized.

　

"I told her that you weren't dangerous anymore." Fluttershy looked away, seemingly ashamed. "I shouldn't have raised my voice."

　

"Why dear Fluttershy, sometimes one must put their hoof down." Discord grinned. "Sometimes it's nice to change things up a bit."

　

Fluttershy hid behind her forelocks to hide the fact that she was blushing. Discord waved his hands, moving them expressively as he spoke. "I've noticed that you've been a bit distracted lately."

　

Fluttershy peeked out from behind her bangs and said, "Pretty Boy asked me out."

　

Discord scowled and took a sip of his coffee once more. He then looked at his friend and said, "I don't trust that stallion. His motives aren't pure. I know stallions and they want only one thing."

　

"What about you?" Fluttershy asked with one of her rare cheeky smiles.

　

"My dear, I am not a stallion. I am a Draconequus. I assure you, my intentions are pure." Discord replied, placing his lion's paw on his chest.

　

"Of course they are." Fluttershy smiled at Discord and said, "You are my best friend, after all."

　

In a low, gentle voice, Discord said, "You, dear Fluttershy, are assuredly my _very best friend_."

　

The pegasus and the Draconequus' eyes both met as they stared deeply into each other's eyes before quickly turning away and awkwardly sipping their drinks. Their eyes would meet periodically, but their gaze rarely locked for long.

　

Hazelnut Latte, who had been watching the whole thing, turned to look at her sister. With a knowing smile on her face, Cocoa Jinx silently mouthed, " _Ship_."

　

ooooooooooooooooo

　

It was 8:00 AM and more regulars were trickling in. A familiar pink pony whom Hazelnut Latte had never been able to shake entered the building. She bounced over to the counter and, in her typical high-pitched voice, said, "I'd like a Mocha Frosty Latte!"

　

With an amused expression on her face, Hazelnut Latte said, "Let me guess: decaf, just like last time?"

　

"Yeppers!" Pinkie Pie replied. "Applejack says that I don't need more caffeine!"

　

"Well, far be it from me to argue with Applejack." Hazelnut Latte smiled wryly.

　

"She's honest to the core!" Pinkie Pie said with a broad, almost manic grin. She slid five bits onto the counter and dropped two bits into the tip jar.

　

Meanwhile, Hazelnut Latte prepared the decaf Mocha Frosty Latte. When she was done, she gave it to the excitable earth pony. "Thank you!" Pinkie Pie chirped before bouncing away.

　

Hazelnut Latte shook her head. She would never understand that mare.

　

ooooooooooooooooooooooooo

　

It was 11 AM when a one of her other regulars arrived. She was an orange earth pony with a blonde mane. She had a white-coated unicorn with an immaculately coiffed mane with her. "I mean, if you were to take better care of your mane, surely more stallions would persue you!"

　

Applejack rolled her eyes and said, "I got plenty a' problems, but a stallion ain't one."

　

"I'm just saying, it's an option." Rarity huffed.

　

When the two arrived at the counter, Rarity turned to look at Hazelnut Latte. Their eyes met and the white unicorn seemed to be at loss for words. "I, uh..." she tried to say, but her words wouldn't come out.

　

Hazelnut Latte could see Rarity's contact lenses this close. She seemed to be trying to look anywhere but at the barista. A bit puzzled by this, Hazelnut Latte nonetheless greeted her. "Welcome to Cuppa Joe's! What can I get for you?"

　

"I..." Rarity still wouldn't look at Hazelnut Latte.

　

Applejack rolled her eyes and said, "I'll have a cop a' coffee, black, and she'll have one of those cafey olay thingies."

　

"One black coffee and one Cafe Au Lait, coming right up!" Hazelnut Latte said with a grin. "Hold on tight and I'll have your order to you in no time!"

　

As was typical, Hazelnut Latte managed to balance speed and quality. A few minutes later, she returned with a cup of black coffee and a Cafe Au Lait. Rarity smiled at the barista before quickly looking away. Applejack rolled her eyes again and placed the appropriate number of bits on the counter. She put a few bits in the tip jar for good, prompt service before heading after Rarity to sit next to her. The conversation was too quiet for Hazelnut Latte to hear.

　

"Nice job, Rarity." Applejack said with a smile.

　

"What sort of thing did I no doubt preform excellently this time?" Rarity asked, using her magic to lift her coffee up to her lips.

　

"Ya did a good job at almost talkin' to the cute barista, for the twentieth time in a row." Applejack replied teasingly.

　

"I'll get around to it!" Rarity huffed.

　

"You've been saying that for the past five months." Applejack pointed out.

　

"Besides, even if I were interested in Hazel, I'm sure that finding the right stallion would sort me out!" Rarity said with a frown.

　

Applejack's mouth curled into a smirk resembling that of a cat who had gobbled down a particularly juicy canary. "You just called her Hazel."

　

"It means nothing!" Rarity protested.

　

"You like her." Applejack still had that shit-eating grin on her face.

　

"I like stallions!" Rarity insisted.

　

Applejack rolled her eyes. She remembered back when she tried to tell herself that. Now she spent most of her Saturday nights having fun at Ponyville's only 'mares only' bar, Silk & Feathers. It was run by a half-zebra, half-pegasus mare named Onda Rocks. Onda was a mare's mare, if you know what that implied. So were all of the patrons, including Applejack. It was a secret that the farmer kept well-hidden from the rest of Ponyville, including her friends. In Silk & Feathers, everyone knew her as Jaqueline. "Ya can just keep tellin' yerself that, Rarity." Applejack replied with an understanding smile.

　

"I'm not into mares like that." Rarity said, sounding ever so slightly desperate. "Really, I'm not."

　

Applejack placed a comforting hoof on Rarity's. "Trust me, Rarity. Ya ain't the first mare ta question her sexuality. If yer inta mares, I don't have a problem with that. If you want ta keep quiet about it, you don't have to worry 'bout me tellin' nopony."

　

Rarity's look got even more desperate. Applejack smiled reassuringly at her and said, "If ya do start questionin', I won't push ya. Sometimes it's somethin' you need to figure out on your own."

　

Rarity smiled at her honest friend. "I can always count on you when it comes to these things, Applejack."

　

Rarity took one last glance at Hazelnut Latte before returning her attention to her Cafe Au Lait. Cocoa Jinx, who had been watching the whole thing, glanced at her sister and then at Rarity. She hid her smile behind her mane as she returned her attention to her Prench homework. Under her breath, the filly whispered, " _Ship_."

　

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

　

It was 11:15 when another regular came in. She was a cyan pegasus with a multicolored mane and a look of mischief about her. Hazelnut Latte smiled at her and said, "Welcome to Cuppa Joe's! What can I get for you?"

　

"Hey, Hazel!" Rainbow Dash said with a grin.

　

"Hey, Rainbow Dash." Hazelnut Latte replied. "What can I get for you?"

　

"I'll have tea, hot." the pegasus replied. "Earl Grey with just a splash of milk."

　

Rarity and Applejack, who had just finished their conversation, turned to look at Rainbow Dash in shock. Somehow sensing their gaze, the cyan pegasus turned to look at her friends. "What?" she said, hoofs on her hips.

　

"It's just..." Rarity said, rather puzzled. "I don't understand."

　

"Just because I'm an athlete doesn't mean that I can't like tea!" Rainbow Dash huffed.

　

"It's just that tea is so _sophisticated_." Rarity said, "And you're, well... _you_."

　

"I can be sophisticated!" Rainbow Dash said. "I can be way sophisticated!"

　

"You can't even remember which fork to use!" Rarity retorted.

　

Their argument took a few minutes until an amused Hazelnut Latte spoke up. "Rainbow Dash, your sophisticated tea is ready."

　

Rainbow Dash glared at Rarity as she paid for her drink. The pegasus then headed over to the other side of the coffee shop to enjoy her tea. She could be sophisticated. She could totally be sophisticated! She could be the most sophisticated mare Rarity had ever seen! Besides, it was stupid to have that many forks for one meal.

　

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

　

It was 2 PM and it was time for Hazelnut Latte to head home. She would be switching places with another employee of this particular Cuppa Joe's location. Her name was Lemongrass and she could make an amazing cup of tea, but she wasn't as good at coffee as Hazelnut Latte. Still, the lemon-yellow pegasus with the green, braided mane could make very good coffee.

　

Hazelnut Latte put her uniform in her locker before heading back in to retrieve her sister. "Come on, Cocoa Jinx. Let's head home. Since you've been so patient, I'll teach you how to make tea."

　

"I was just finishing my Prench homework anyway." Cocoa Jinx said as she packed her homework into a saddle bag.

　

"Well, homeward we go!" Hazelnut Latte said with a grin.

　

A few blocks away from Cuppa Joe's, Discord and Fluttershy were by Paige Turner's bookstore, Paige's Ponyville Pages. The pegasus and the Draconequus were making covert, almost subtle goo-goo eyes at each other when they thought that the other wasn't looking. Suddenly, a familiar voice ripped through the tranquility of the afternoon. " _Heathens_!" a white earth pony stallion with a curly, grey mane spoke up. He had a black and white collar on. "How dare you sully these streets with your _unnatural association_!"

　

Discord let out a groan of annoyance and Fluttershy let out a dismayed sigh. " _Bookburner_." the Draconequus grumbled under his breath.

　

"Um," Fluttershy said softly, "Reverend Bookbinder, we weren't trying to be in the way. We were just heading into the bookstore to buy a cookbook."

　

"If you do not leave this creature, your union will bring no good to this place!" Reverend Bookbinder continued. "Deity forbid that his monstrous seed takes root in your womb!"

　

Discord and Fluttershy turned red and tried to look anywhere but at each other. Rarity had once said that if those two idiots didn't figure out how they felt about each other, she was 90% sure that they would never have children. That odd 10% was the stipulation that alcohol and a poorly-advised one-night stand might be involved. "I think it's a bit early to be thinking about tha-" Discord tried to say, but Reverend Bookbinder interrupted him again.

　

"They will be abominations! _Abominations_!" Reverent Bookbinder ranted. "Their birth will be the precursor to an era of wickedness that will spread immorality in this town like a disease!"

　

"Okay, that's taking it a bit too far." Fluttershy sounded kind of annoyed.

　

"That sort of mixing is against the Deity's plan!" Bookbinder raved. "Two different species were not meant to mix! Such things lead to the establishment of that den of depravity, _Silk & Feathers_!" Bookbinder spoke the name of the bar with a tone reserved to somepony speaking of something foul and disgusting.

　

A striped, winged zony known as Onda Rocks stuck her head out from inside Paige's Ponyville Pages and shouted, "Racist!"

　

Poking her head out from a cloud hovering just over Ponyville, Rainbow Dash shouted, "Is Bookburner being annoying again?"

　

"It's _Reverend Bookbinder_!" the stallion shouted. "I am trying to save these ponies from depravity! This mare must be stopped from spawning abominations!"

　

Discord stepped forward and picked Bookbinder up by the collar, yanking him up so his hooves were dangling and the two were face to face. In a voice filled with barely restrained anger, the Draconequus said, "Shut up. Right now. Me and Fluttershy's hypothetical offspring would _not_ be _abominations_!" He glared fiercely at the earth pony. Discord's eyes narrowed. "Consider yourself _extremely_ fortunate that I am reformed. You _don't_ want to know what I would do to you if I wasn't. Now, I'm going to say this very nicely. _Leave my friends alone_."

　

The Draconequus released the stallion's collar, allowing him to plummet to the ground from his considerable height. He wasn't injured. Instead, he stood up. He pointed a hoof at Onda Rocks and said, "You are also seducing this creature, aren't you?"

　

"Oh, you have got to be kidding me!" Onda grumbled under her breath, facehoofing.

　

"One last warning." Discord growled.

　

It was not the Draconequus that caused the stallion to cower. Instead, it was Fluttershy. She was giving him the Stare, which was filled with all the intensity that she could muster. Bookbinder gulped audibly before galloping away. Fluttershy's expression returned to its usual one. In a soft tone, the pink-maned pegasus asked, "Are you, um, _with_ Onda, Discord?"

　

Discord rolled his eyes and scoffed. "That mare? No way. I'd be barking up the wrong tree anyway."

　

"What?" Fluttershy questioned.

　

"She has a malfunctioning GAYDAR!" Rainbow Dash shouted from the cloud.

　

Discord smiled at Fluttershy and said, "Why, dear Fluttershy, it would be impossible for Onda Rocks and I to be together."

　

"Because she's sort of a pony?" Fluttershy asked, hiding behind her bangs so her face wouldn't show.

　

"Nope." Discord replied. "Onda Rocks is gayer than a spring breeze."

　

Fluttershy's attention shot at Onda. The zony just smiled and said, "Why else do you think that I run a mares-only bar?"

　

Fluttershy was not upset by this. She simply said, "Oh."

　

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

　

It was 4 PM when Hazelnut Latte and Cocoa Jinx were finished making a pot of jasmine tea. The mint-green filly took a sip and grimaced. "This tastes funny." she said.

　

"It'll grow on you." Hazelnut Latte said with a smile.

　

After a few more sips, Cocoa Jinx looked up at her sister and said, "Yeah, I think it is growing on me."

　

"Good." the older unicorn replied. "This stuff takes a while to make. If the water is too hot, it ruins the flavor."

　

"That's good to know." the younger unicorn said. "I'd hate to ruin this tea. It's a shame I didn't get my Cutie Mark in tea-making, though."

　

Hazelnut latte smiled and said, "Some good things are worth the wait."

　

"Like ships?" Cocoa Jinx said with a grin.

　

Hazelnut Latte laughed and said, "I was referring to Cutie Marks!"

　

"Well, ships are still important." the filly said insistantly.

　

"Relationships are overrated." Hazelnut Latte said with a scoff.

　

"You're still upset about the thing with Pepper Mist." Cocoa Jinx said.

　

"I went to confront her about her cheating on me with a stallion and her dad maced me in the face!" Hazelnut Latte argued. "With an _actual mace_!"

　

"Well, thanks to your quick magic reflexes, all you got was a bloody nose and broken glasses, right?" Cocoa Jinx pointed out.

　

"I should have pressed charges." Hazelnut Latte huffed. She then looked away and grumbled, "I _liked_ those glasses!"

　

"What about Glitterella?" Cocoa Jinx asked.

　

"She decided that she was too 'upper class' for me." Hazelnut Latte replied. "Well, that and her parents threatened to cut her off if she kept dating me."

　

"You almost married Crimson Lippy." Cocoa Jinx pointed out.

　

"She bailed at the last second." Hazelnut Latte said. "She said that she wasn't interested in being a stepmother because she 'couldn't love a child that wasn't actually hers'."

　

"Good riddence, then!" Cocoa Jinx exclaimed. She then asked, "What about Lavender Essence?"

　

"She went full woo and decided that vaccines were evil and the government was out to enslave us. Tried to talk me into a coffee enema." Hazelnut Latte shook her head. "Sacrilege! What kind of monster would do that to perfectly good coffee? Then came the essential oil pyramid scheme. She knows that you have asthma and she still wanted to put those things in the air! To top it all off, she said that my vision problems were the result of 'vaccine injury' and tried to 'detox' me with kale, colloidal silver, and yes- _enemas_!"

　

A look of horror was on Cocoa Jinx's face. Hazelnut Latte cleared her throat and asked, "Was the enema thing too much?"

　

"No." Cocoa Jinx said. "It's just mind-boggling that someone could be that stupid."

　

"It's a stupid, stupid world out there, Kiddo." Hazelnut Latte said with a sad smile.

　

"We can't escape it anywhere, can we?" Cocoa Jinx sighed.

　

"Yep." Hazelnut Latte replied. "It's even here, in the form of a fire and brimstone proselytizer."

　

"Who, Reverend Bookbinder?" Cocoa Jinx questioned.

　

Hazelnut Latte nodded. Cocoa Jinx then said, "Yeah, he's a fucking cunt."

　

" _Cocoa Jinx_!" Hazelnut Latte scolded.

　

"I know, I know." Cocoa Jinx sighed. "Not until I'm twelve, and only at home until I'm sixteen."


	2. Single Parents' Club

Hazelnut Latte waved goodbye as her sister headed off to school. Just like she did every morning, she dropped her little sister off at school and got back to work just in time to finish setting things up. She then heard a voice shout, "Bye, Muffin! See you after school!"

　

Hazelnut Latte turned to see the male mare, Ditzy Doo, waving at her daughter, Dinky Doo. It was only then that the grey pegasus seemed to notice her. "Oh! Hazelnut Latte!" Ditzy said with a start. "I didn't see you there."

　

"Well, I'm here for the same reason you are." Hazelnut Latte said with a grin.

　

"Oh, good." Ditzy returned the smile. "I'm glad that Dinky gets along with Cocoa Jinx, anyway. There's a new filly who transferred in this year. Her name is Trendy Topic. I heard that you went to school with her aunt, Glitterella!" The grey pegasus pointed towards a white unicorn with a glimmering red mane.

　

Hazelnut Latte's heart sank when she realized just which one of Glitterella's siblings was Trendy Topic's parent. It was her oldest sister, Glitzy Glam. With an air of effortless grace, Glitzy Glam made her way over to the duo. "Long time, no see, Hazelnut Latte." She said with a smile.

　

"Not long enough." Hazelnut Latte said flatly.

　

Glitzy Glam glanced at the foals and watched Cocoa Jinx enter the school, with the filly's strong family resemblance to Hazelnut Latte. The ruby-maned mare then returned her gaze to the two mares. A condescending smile appeared on her face. "Now I see why you dropped out of Lacy Ruffles' School for Fillies when you were sixteen."

　

"I didn't drop out." Hazelnut Latte ground out. "I was transferred."

　

"Transferred." Glitzy Glam said with a chuckle. "How cute. Let me guess, they sent you to your aunt's farm to be homeschooled for nine months."

　

"You have no idea what you're talking about, Glitzy Glam." Hazelnut said angrily.

　

"You made your bed, so lie in it. Well, I suppose that it was a bed that got you into this position in the first place." Glitzy Glam said smugly. She then glanced at Ditzy Doo and said, "And what a coincidence, to see you chatting with the other statistic."

　

Ditzy Doo lowered her head, appearing quite ashamed. Hazelnut Latte glared at Glitzy Glam and said, "I'll put up with you because your daughter attends this school, not because I'm intimidated by you. Cocoa Jinx is my sister. Don't ever let me catch you talking about Ditzy like that, either!"

　

Glitzy Glam chuckled and said, "If you insist." She turned around to leave. "Ta-ta, ladies. I'm off to do my well-paying job, something you two might have gotten if you had bothered to go to college!"

　

"I did got to college!" Hazelnut Latte shouted. "I graduated from San Franciscolt State University- I double majored in foreign languages and Pan-Equestrian cultures!"

　

"So you're not a statistic, then." Glitzy Glam said with a chuckle. "You don't need to pity that pegasus just because she's a statistic."

　

"Don't call her that!" Hazelnut Latte barked.

　

"I should be going, lovelies." Glitzy Glam said smoothly. "Places to go, law firms to be partner at."

　

As the ruby-maned mare walked out of sight, the brown-coated mare returned her attention to the grey pegasus. "Don't listen to her, Ditzy. She's just a bitch."

　

"I know." Ditzy Doo mumbled. "It's just nothing that I haven't heard before."

　

"Why _did_ she call you a statistic, Ditzy?" Hazelnut Latte questioned.

　

"My asshole ex-boyfriend, Dead Beat, got me pregnant when I was fifteen. My parents weren't exactly open to talking about sex-related things and Dead Beat told me that you couldn't get pregnant if it was your first time..." Ditzy said awkwardly.

　

"Oh, Ditzy." Hazelnut Latte murmured.

　

"My parents kicked me out, so I had to drop out and get a job to take care of Dinky." Ditzy exhaled audibly. "Goodness knows that Dead Beat didn't want anything to do with her. Do you know what he said to me when I told him that Dinky was his daughter? He told me that I can't prove it!"

　

"That fucking asshole!" Hazelnut Latte exclaimed.

　

"I know, right!" Ditzy got that determined look on her face. "I got my GED when I was nineteen and I got a good job at the post! I've even started taking classes at Ponyville Community College! I'm studying to become a dental hygienist."

　

"You go get 'em, Ditzy Doo." Hazelnut Latte said with a grin. She then looked around and said, "Look, Ditzy, I have to get to work."

　

"Okay, I'll see you later." Ditzy replied.

　

Hazelnut turned to leave, but seconds later, Ditzy appeared in front of her. Her wings settled to her side as she landed in front of the unicorn. "Hey, Hazel, if you ever need somepony to talk to about the whole single parent thing," The pegasus reached into her saddle bag and pulled out a pamphlet.

　

Using her magic, the brown-furred unicorn gingerly took it from her before opening it. "It's a support group for single parents." Ditzy explained. "Me, Berry Punch, Sterling Silver, and a few others are there."

　

"Sterling Silver." Hazelnut Latte deadpanned. "As in Silver Spoon's mother?"

　

"Yeah." Ditzy said, nodding. "Her husband, Money Bags, left her for a much younger mare. Apparently, Sterling somehow reached some sort of imaginary expiration date when she turned forty."

　

"Some stallions!" Hazelnut Latte huffed. "The gall!"

　

"Well, we're all different. Some of us were ditched by assholes." Ditzy replied. "A few ponies lost their partner. Some of them, like you, chose to become parents in a somewhat unorthodox fashion."

　

Hazelnut Latte tucked the pamphlet into her saddle bag and said, "Anyway, like I said, I have to get to work."

　

Ditzy Doo nodded and said, "Think on it, all right?"

　

"All right." Hazelnut said. "See you later, Ditzy!"

　

"Later, Hazelnut Latte!" the grey pegasus waved at the unicorn as she walked away.

　

ooooooooooooooo

　

After work, Hazelnut Latte managed to convince Applejack to watch Cocoa Jinx for a while. The filly was more than happy to play with Apple Bloom and the other Cutie Mark Crusaders after school. Knowing her, she would probably help them out with their Prench homework. She just hoped that her little Scion of Chaos wouldn't leave the Apple Family Farm a smoking crater by the time she got back. She then headed to the address listed on the pamphlet. She looked up at the door in front of her. It was in the same building as her apartment, just one floor up. She paused for a moment before knocking on the door. A few moments later, the door opened and a pale pink earth pony stallion with a blonde mane peeked out to see her. "Um, hi." Hazelnut Latte greeted him. "Is this where the Ponyville Single Parents' Club is?"

　

The stallion's golden-hued eyes brightened. "Oh, you must be the pony that Ditzy told us about! Come on in!"

　

Hazelnut Latte entered the apartment, leaving the pink stallion to close the door behind her. She followed him to the living room and saw a few mares, two more stallions, and, to her surprise, Rainbow Dash. All of them were sitting on the two sofas and a few chairs. Ditzy smiled and waved at the brown unicorn. The pink stallion gestured towards an empty spot on one of the sofas, next to Ditzy Doo. Hazelnut Latte quickly took her seat. The stallion then cleared his throat before speaking. "Hello, everypony. Welcome to the bi-weekly meeting of the Ponyville Single Parents' club. Everypony, since we have a new pony here, let's all introduce ourselves." The pink stallion smiled. "I'm Weaver. I'm High Jump's dad."

　

A familiar purplish-pinkish earth pony mare smiled and said, "I'm Berry Punch. My daughter is Berry Pinch."

　

Ditzy raised her hoof and said, "I'm Ditzy Doo, and I'm the proud mother of a ten-year-old filly named Dinky Doo."

　

A very muscular white pegasus with surprisingly tiny wings said, "I'm Bulk Biceps and I have a son named Kettlebell."

　

"I'm Fireheart." A cream-colored unicorn stallion with red hair introduced himself. "I have twins, one colt and one filly. Their names are Journey and Summer Rain."

　

A slate grey earth pony mare with a beautiful silver mane and pink cat-frame glasses smiled and introduced herself. "I'm Sterling Silver and I have a daughter named Silver Spoon."

　

Finally, Rainbow Dash raised a hoof. "I'm Rainbow Dash and I'm currently fostering a filly named Scootaloo, with intention to adopt."

　

Hazelnut Latte raised a brow. Rainbow Dash, adopt a ten-year-old filly at twenty-three? Then again, she herself had basically adopted a thirteen-year-old when she was twenty. Who knew? The universe certainly did work in mysterious ways. The brown-furred unicorn smiled and said, "Hey, everypony. I'm Hazelnut Latte. I'm twenty-seven years old and I'm the legal guardian of my younger sister, Cocoa Jinx. I was guardian to my younger brother, Fizzy Pop for a while, but he's an adult now."

　

Weaver smiled once again, "All right, now that everypony is acquainted, we can get down to business. How is everypony doing?"

　

"Berry Pinch just got her Cutie Mark." Berry Punch said. She then laughed and elaborated, "Unfortunately, it's an electric guitar. I fear for my ears. How about you, Sterling Silver?"

　

Sterling Silver moved her forehooves uneasily. "It... hasn't been easy with Silver Spoon. She's eleven years old. She still misses her dad and tells me that she hates me on a daily basis. She tries to be quiet to hide that she cries at night, but I can still hear her." The silver-maned mare awkwardly shifted in her seat and said, "I don't want to poison her against him, but I feel like she deserves to know why Money Bags left."

　

"We're not going to try push you either way, Sterling." Fireheart said, giving one of Sterling Silver's hooves a comforting pat. "I know you've thought long and hard about it. You'll make the right decision, whatever that decision may be."

　

Sterling Silver smiled at the red-maned unicorn. "Thanks, Fireheart." she said. She then turned to Bulk Biceps and asked, "How have things been up with you, Bulk Biceps?"

　

"Well, Kettlebell just turned fourteen. I remember how rough that age was." Bulk Biceps shook his head. "I love the kid to pieces, but things would be so much easier if Barb was still around."

　

"We all miss Barb." Berry Pinch said softly.

　

Hazelnut Latte leaned into Ditzy Doo's ear and quietly asked, "Who's Barb?"

　

"Bulk Biceps' late wife, Barbell." Ditzy Doo whispered back.

　

"Goodness." Hazelnut Latte murmured. "What happened?"

　

"We can all hear you, you know." Weaver pointed out.

　

Bulk Biceps shook his head and said, "It's okay, Weaver." He looked at the sapphire-eyed unicorn and said, "It was cancer. It was very aggressive and didn't respond to treatment. All they could really do was try to make her as comfortable as possible."

　

"I'm sorry, Bulk Biceps." Hazelnut Latte apologized.

　

"It was five years ago." Bulk Biceps said. "Kettlebell has more or less adjusted and I plan on living every day just as Barb would want me to. She wouldn't want me to be sad. She would want me to meet every day with a good, hearty..." He flexed his muscles and shouted, "YEAH!"

　

"I'm happy for you, Bulk Biceps." Berry Punch said with a smile. "I miss my Merlot, but I know that he would want me to be happy, too. I recently got a job as a sommelier at that fancy restaurant, Le Cheval D'or. It was one of my dreams to work as a sommelier and he always told me to follow my dreams." She turned to Fireheart and said, "Enough about me, how about you, Fireheart?"

　

The cream colored stallion hesitated for a moment before saying, "The twins' mother is trying to file for custody of the twins."

　

"Uh-oh." Rainbow Dash said with a frown. "Do you think she'll win?"

　

"Probably not." Fireheart replied. "I got custody because she was neglecting Journey and Summer Rain's medical needs. Still, the last thing that any of us need in our lives is Lavender Essence stirring up drama."

　

"Did you say Lavender Essence?" Hazelnut Latte asked.

　

"Yeah." Fireheart said. "Do you know her."

　

"We dated for a while." Hazelnut Latte admitted.

　

Rainbow Dash scoffed. "Knowing Lavender Essence, she probably only had the kids to get attention and for ass-pats from her weirdo anti-science conspiracy nut 'momma bear' friends."

　

Hazelnut Latte and Fireheart both nodded. The brown mare said, "That actually does sound kind of like Lavender Essence. She was a massive attention-seeking narcissist."

　

"Don't get me started on narcissistic exes!" Weaver groaned.

　

"Did you have a paranoid, anti-medical nutcase for an ex, too?" Hazelnut Latte asked.

　

"No." Weaver replied. "My ex, Spindle, was a stage-five clinger and very controlling. She found out that I was going to leave her and she spermjacked me."

　

"What?" Hazelnut Latte question. "What's a spermjacking?"

　

"I used a condom, but I wasn't careful where I disposed of it. She used the sperm inside to get herself pregnant to try to make me stay with her." Weaver explained. "It worked, but I didn't stay with her. She bad-mouthed me in front of everypony we know and tried to tell them that I was a bad father and abandoned her and High Jump."

　

"Yikes." Rainbow Dash raised a brow. "I haven't heard you talk about this before."

　

"Yeah." Weaver said. "I found out that she was neglecting High Jump, mentally abusing her, and trying to control her diet because she didn't want her to become even the slightest bit overweight- basically starving a growing filly. I'm seriously lucky that I managed to convince a judge to grant me custody when High Jump was eight. I got a restraining order on Spindle after that."

　

"Damn." Hazelnut Latte murmured before asking, "Is High Jump okay now?"

　

"She's better." Weaver admitted. "It took seven years and a lot of counselling to for High Jump to have an even remotely healthy relationship with food. She still has some problems with body image, but she's better than she was before. It helped to move to Ponyville. Here, there isn't nearly as much pressure to have a certain body type." Weaver smiled. "Now she's on the track and field team. She even got her cutie mark for steeplechasing when she was twelve. Her friends on the team have been good for her. What matters is that my little filly is happy now. That's all any parent wants, right?"

　

Rainbow Dash nodded. "I hope I can make Scoots happy. She seems happy. I mean, since she's with me and not with her birth parents. They're in jail and they don't have any family members interested in taking her in. I've asked Scoots if she wants to visit them, but she said that she doesn't want to talk about it. I..." She inhaled deeply and exhaled through her nose, seemingly hesitant to continue.

　

Weaver smiled at her and said, "This is a safe place, Rainbow Dash. You can talk about anything here."

　

Rainbow Dash nodded before speaking again. "I just want to be a good parental figure to her. I mean, I don't expect her to ever call me 'Mom', but I always questioning if I'm doing a good enough job for her."

　

Berry Punch patted Rainbow Dash's shoulder. "Deep down, that's a struggle that every parent deals with. You question yourself sometimes, but the fact that you're doing it shows that you're not too proud to put your foal first."

　

"It's what matters." Ditzy said. "I mean, ever since I was old enough to get a savings account, I've been saving up so I can send Dinky to college. I want her to have a good future. To set a good example, I'm going to college, too. I'm studying at Ponyville Community College to become a dental hygienist. From what my teacher says, I'm doing well."

　

"My brother, Fizzy Pop, is going to go to Coltlumbia University next year." Hazelnut Latte said proudly. Thank goodness for good college funds set up for them by their mother. "I hope that Cocoa Jinx goes to college when she grows up, too." She chuckled and added, "Hopefully, they'll each end up in a job that they love instead of settling for something just because ponies say that they're supposed to."

　

"Here, here!" Ditzy exclaimed.

　

The group of ponies talked about how their lives were going and how their foals were doing for a while before Weaver finally announced, "Okay, it's time for snacks! Tea and cookies are in the kitchen."

　

The ponies headed to the kitchen and each got themselves a cup of tea and a couple of cookies. Ditzy Doo and Hazelnut Latte sat down at the kitchen table. The brown unicorn looked at the grey pegasus and said, "So Ditzy, how have you _really_ been doing?"

　

Ditzy took a sip of her tea and replied, "I'm trying to have a good day. I won't pretend that what Glitzy Glam said didn't get to me, but I know that just because she has some fancy law thing doesn't mean that she's better than me."

　

"Some ponies are just mean." Hazelnut Latte said with a shrug. "I mean, there's that grey-maned pony who keeps screaming about a 'wave of immorality' threatening to envelop Ponyville."

　

"Who, Bookbinder?" Ditzy questioned. "I can't stand that guy. Unfortunately, he hasn't done anything illegal, so all we can really do is try to ignore him and hope he'll go away."

　

Hazelnut Latte scoffed. "Easier said than done. He's the herpes of this town. He can be extremely annoying and he never goes away."

　

"Hazelnut Latte!" Ditzy tried to scold her friend, but ended up bursting into giggles.

　

Hazelnut Latte shrugged. "I'm sure that _Grand-mère_ Chardonnay would have more words for him. You've never heard swearing quite like they swear in Prance. _Maman_ didn't often swear, but you didn't want to get on her bad side."

　

"Do you speak Prench?" Ditzy Doo asked.

　

Hazelnut Latte grinned and said, " _Je parle prançais_."

　

"Have you ever been to Maris?" Ditzy Inquired.

　

Hazelnut Latte smirked once again and said, " _J'aime Maris_."

　

Ditzy elbowed the unicorn and snickered. "Show-off."

　

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

　

It was another ordinary Tuesday morning in Ponyville. Hazelnut Latte worked on Tuesdays, so it was not strange at all for her. What was strange, however, was who walked into the door next. When she saw who it was, Hazelnut Latte couldn't help but tense up. Still, she forced a smile and said, "Welcome to Cuppa Joe's! What can I get for you?"

　

Discord rolled his eyes and said, "Oh, don't look at me like that. If I caused trouble here, I would have to go all the way over to Detrot to get an Anarchy Latte and the momentary satisfaction of causing all sorts of chaos in this location would not be worth the commute."

　

The Draconequus' eyes darted around, making sure that no one was looking- a futile endeavor, considering the only other individual in there was a softly snoring Twilight Sparkle, who had fallen asleep on her poppy seed pastry. Her coffee was completely untouched. She was working on some secret project that was keeping her up at night. Well, that's what the alicorn had told Hazelnut Latte, anyway. The brown-coated unicorn bit back a sigh and asked, "Is there anything specific that I can get you, Discord? Something tells me that you're not just here for an Anarchy Latte."

　

Discord leaned in and said, "Look, it's Fluttershy's twenty-fourth birthday today and I need this place empty this afternoon so it'll be nice and quiet. So far, Fluttershy has managed to keep her birth date a secret from Pinkie Pie. The little pink sugar addict only comes here on Fridays and Saturdays and she absolutely _can't find out_!"

　

Hazelnut Latte couldn't help but smile at how sweet the whole thing was. "Well, Tuesday afternoons are usually pretty quiet anyway. Hardly anypony comes in between 10 AM and 4 PM, which is my shift on Tuesdays. I think I can fix a birthday cupcake for Futtershy. What's her favorite flavor? We have hummingbird cupcakes today. Don't worry. No actual hummingbirds were harmed in the making of these cupcakes."

　

Discord seemed relieved when he said, "Good. That's actually her favorite kind of cake."

　

"What sort of deadline do you have?" Hazelnut Latte asked. "I can have things ready by 12 if you don't have any outlandish demands."

　

Discord ticked several things off on his lion's paw. "Hummingbird cupcakes, some of that lemongrass tea that she likes, something that says 'happy 24th' on it, absolutely _no_ Pinkie Pie, and a music player. I'll bring a Trotter Swift album."

　

"You listen to Trotter Swift?" Hazelnut Latte raised a brow.

　

Discord pouted and said, "I don't. Fluttershy listens to Trotter Swift. I try to ignore it. I'm more of a Motörhoof kind of guy."

"I've never heard of Motörhoof." Hazelnut Latte admitted.

　

"Motörhoof was a bit before your time." Discord said with a dismissive wave of his lion paw. "A bit after my time actually, but a bit before your time." The Draconequus' shoulders slumped. "Okay, now I feel _old_."

　

Hazelnut Latte new better than to remind Discord that he was, in fact, old, but she decided that it would be much smarter not to. Instead, the brown-coated unicorn smiled and said, "I think I can arrange for all of that."

　

"Excellent." Discord clasped his paws together. "I leave it in your capable hands, Espresso or whatever your name is."

　

He was referring to Hazelnut Latte's Cutie Mark, which was a latte in a white cup with a heart in the foam. The unicorn frowned lightly and said, "My name is Hazelnut Latte."

　

Discord waved his clawed hand dismissively and said, "Details."

　

The Draconequus then snapped his fingers and disappeared in a flash of light. Hazelnut let out a sigh. She had a birthday event to arrange quickly, then. First thing's first, though. She had to wake up Twilight Sparkle, who didn't seem to be woken up by anything. The barista considered her options before making a decision that would be approved by corporate regulations. Picking up the megaphone behind the counter with her magic, Hazelnut Latte then made her way over to the alicorn. Bringing the megaphone to her lips, the barista took a deep, deep breath.

　

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

　

It had taken all of Hazelnut Latte's charisma to convince a certain Princess of Friendship that she didn't need to be paid compensation out of the tip jar for giving her an hour-long case of tinnitus. The barista had explained to the alicorn that it was perfectly within Cuppa Joe's corporate regulations to use a megaphone to wake a customer who had been sleeping in a Cuppa Joe's establishment for three or more hours and could not be roused by anything else. Twilight complained, but Hazelnut Latte knew that she would be back the next day. Now, at 12 PM, the barista waited for Fluttershy and Discord to come in. Were it anypony else, Hazelnut Latte would have said no. However, this was Fluttershy and Fluttershy was one of Hazelnut Latte's favorite citizens of Ponyville. She didn't have to wait long. Discord came in, leading a blindfolded Fluttershy. The Draconequus headed over to the music player and put the Trotter Swift disc in and began to play it. With the music playing, the then removed the blindfold. "Oh, Discord!" Fluttershy gasped.

　

"Welcome, Fluttershy!" Hazelnut Latte said with a grin.

　

Discord led Fluttershy to one of the tables. She took a seat and he took a seat across from her. Hazelnut Latte carried a tray with hot tea and a pair of big, delicious-looking hummingbird cupcakes over to the table. The cupcake on Fluttershy's side of the tray had a piece of fondant with 'Happy 24th!' on it as an edible decoration. As Hazelnut Latte returned to her station, the butter-hued pegasus' eyes widened. Discord smiled in a caring, gentle way and said, "Happy birthday, Fluttershy."

　

Fluttershy looked up at Discord and said, "You arranged this all for me?"

　

"Well, we're besties, Fluttershy." Discord said, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

　

Fluttershy appeared to be on the verge of tears. "Oh, thank you, Discord!"

　

Discord immediately felt awkward. "Fluttershy, please don't cry."

　

Fluttershy wiped her eyes with the back of her hooves. "I'm sorry." she said softly. "It's just that no one has ever made a special, quiet birthday for me."

　

"Well, that's what best friends are for." Discord said with a grin. He leaned forward and said, "So Fluttershy, what are the plans for the next twenty-four years?"

　

Fluttershy got a thoughtful expression on her face as she said, "Well, I'll keep taking care of animals. Maybe someday I'll find that special somepony, settle down, and have a few foals." She looked up at her friend. She then asked, "What about you, Discord?"

　

Fluttershy waited with baited breath. Discord quickly looked away and said, "Oh, not me." He snapped his fingers and a jersey with the _pi_ symbol on it and 'Discord' written on the shoulders appeared on him. A bottle of root beer appeared in his hand and said. "I'll never settle down. I'm a bachelor for life!"

　

Fluttershy looked down at her cupcake. "Oh." she said softly.

　

Had Discord not known any better, he might almost suspect that she was, for some unfathomable reason, disappointed. The Draconequus took a swig of his root beer and said, "Well, since it's your birthday, I didn't forget to bring a gift along."

　

Discord snapped his fingers and an envelope appeared in his clawed hand. He handed it to Fluttershy, who carefully opened it. When she saw what the contents were, the butter-hued pegasus gasped, "Discord, you didn't! Are these-"

　

"Tickets to the Trotter Swift concert in Ponyville next week." Discord said with a triumphant smirk. "There are two of them. You can bring somepony else... perhaps even a _date_." He leaned forward on his elbows, propping his head up in his hands. "Do you have anyone in mind?"

　

Fluttershy got a thoughtful expression on her face as she said, "Well, I guess I could bring Pretty Boy."

　

Discord turned around and pouted. "Pretty Boy." he grumbled.

　

"Well, he did ask me out." Fluttershy said with a smile. "It would be rude of me to turn him down and he is nice. I don't want to jump to any conclusion, but do you think he would make a good coltfriend?"

　

Discord folded his arms over his chest and scowled. "Sure." he ground out. "Pretty Boy is absolutely _great_."

　

Fluttershy smiled. "I'll ask him to come with me, then."

　

Discord said nothing. Deep down in the pit of his stomach, he felt a metaphorical monster stirring.

 


End file.
